How To Write A Typical Digimon Yaoi
by Silmaril Eyes
Summary: May the sky fall in...I'm actually writing humor. Taito, shounen ai, and extreme silliness. (Hiatus due to author's lack of interest)
1. Of Forgetting Lines, Authors, And Soda

Once upon a time,

Once upon a time, long long ago, a fanfic writer with long brown hair, ruby-ish eyes and a fire in her heart sat down to write a story.

Oh, but this wasn't just any story.

It was going to be a TYPICAL DIGIMON YAOI STORY!

The fanfic writer's name was Mimi Elaene Brandywine, but for the sake of this story, we'll just call her Mimi-chan. Anyway, Mimi-chan sat down at her keyboard, cracked her knuckles (making everyone within a two kilometre radius wince) and started to think.

"First of all, this has to be set in Season One," she said, frowning while deep in thought. "Because everyone knows that 11-year-olds have very deep, strong feelings for each other.

"Next, I need my characters! The uke, the seme, and the evil girl trying to get between them. Hmmm...I know! Since this is a _typical_ Digi-yaoi, it'll be Matt, Tai and Sora!"

There was a sudden "BAMF!", and Matt, Tai and Sora all appeared in the middle of Mimi-chan's room, looking extremely confused and somewhat bewildered.

"All right..." Matt said, brushing his gold locks out of his eyes. He had a cordless microphone in his hands. "I know that this is _not_ Tokyo Stadium. Tokyo Stadium doesn't have so much pink..."

Sora blinked her ruby eyes and looked around warily. "Certainly isn't the tennis courts..."

Tai remained in the position he'd fallen in, soccer ball still in his hands. "Last thing I was remember, I was walking to the boy's locker room..."

Mimi-chan smiled at her three guests. "Sorry to throw a spanner in the works, guys, but I'm writing a Digi-yaoi, and you're my three victim--ah, I mean, subjec--characters! I mean, characters!"

Matt and Tai groaned loudly.

"Can't we just screw each other's brains out and get it over with?" Tai pleaded, looking up at Mimi-chan with big brown eyes.

"Nuh-uh," Mimi-chan said, shaking her head. "We're going to do this properly."

Sora sat down on the edge of Mimi-chan's bed, looking worried. "Do we...have to?"

"Yes," Mimi-chan said firmly, returning to her keyboard. "All right, first chapter -- Sora, you have to hit onto one of the guys."

"Which one?" the redhead asked, raising an eyebrow at her two male friends.

"Hmmm. The one that the author likes the most, so in this case, Matt."

"Jeez, thanks!" Tai sulked.

"Uh..." Sora turned pink. "Um...how do I go about that?"

Mimi-chan sighed. "Just read your lines," she said, handing a freshly-printed sheet of paper to each DigiDestined.

"Uh...okay. Matt, we've been freunds--_freunds?_"

"It's just a typo, keep reading!"

"Oh...Matt, we've been friends for such a long time now. Don't you think it's time we...strengthened...our relationship? Er...Matt, that's your cue. Matt!"

The blonde musician in question was admiring Mimi-chan's flat stereo that was mounted on the wall, and had discovered, much to his delight, that a burned Digimon CD featuring him singing was the current record.

"Kick _ass_, the chick's got taste--"

"MATT! YOUR _LINES_, IF YOU _PLEASE_!!" Mimi-chan yelled, the blood vessels in her eyeballs swelling like flash-flooded rivers.

"Can't I just check out the sound on th--"

"NO!!!" Mimi-chan barked, turning back to the keyboard, fingers poised to type.

"I don't know what you're talking about Sora what do you mean," Matt replied in a monotone, pulling a face at the back of the author's head.

"Perfect!" Mimi-chan said, fingers flying. "Now, Tai, you read your lines...Tai?"

Tai meanwhile, had pinched the cordless mic from Matt and was seeing how many high pitched, shrieking noises it could make when he held it up to the stereo's speakers.

Mimi-chan sighed irritably. "Earth to Kamiya. Come in Tai!!"

"Eh?" Tai asked, mid-squeal from the mic.

"Lines."

"Oh, yeah, right," he said, picking up his copy and dropping the microphone in Sora's lap. "Uh...Tai walks in on Matt and Sora's conv--"

"The _lines_, you idiot, not the stage directions!"

"Oh, sorry! Um...Hi Sora, hi Matt (eyes soften when talking to Matt)."

Mimi-chan groaned loudly, bashing her head against the keyboard. Sora giggled hysterically.

Matt proceeded to read his next line. "Hi there Tai, wassup?..._wassup?!_"

"You're the stereotypical 'cool one'," Mimi-chan said, waving one of her hands expansively, the other hand still typing. "You say stuff like that."

"It sounds like I've been watching freaking MTV!"

"Just read your lines, pretty boy."

"Hey there, Tai, wassup?"

Tai squinted at his copy of the sheet. "Uh...Tai smiles--"

"_Below_ that!" Sora giggled.

"Not much. Sora and I were just chatting, right Sora?"

Sora gasped out between each shriek of mirth. "Right!" The script instructed her to narrow her eyes menacingly at Tai, but she was simply giggling too hard.

Mimi-chan sighed. "I guess that'll have to do. Chapter one -- out of the way."

"That was hard," Tai remarked. 

" 'S not the only thing that'll be hard by the end of this," Matt muttered, and Sora proceeded to burst into fits of unstoppable laughter and roll off Mimi-chan's bed, tears of amusement streaking down her face.

Mimi-chan professionally ignored the merriment behind her, and kept typing. "Affection between males established -- check. Seeds of jealousy planted in female -- check."

Sora, still giggling slightly, composed herself. "Now what?"

Mimi-chan switched the computer screen off. "We go for a soda. All this typing has made my brain hurt."

"Your what?" Matt inquired with mock politeness, which cause Sora's giggles to return, Tai to chuckle, and Mimi-chan to smack him over the head with one of the phonebooks that were sitting atop of her scanner.

"You watch it, buddy -- remember, we're only on the first chapter and while I'm your author, CALL ME GODDESS!! This is a yaoi, and you're at MY COMMAND!!"

"Goddess!" Matt yelped, falling to his knees as author and characters exited the computer room -- for a while.

[a.n.]  
Um...I'm not quite sure what to say, except, nobody be offended. **giggles** This is all just a bit of fun, y'know?


	2. Of Japanese Words, Seething And Even Mor...

Once upon a time,

Mimi-chan, all revved up and ready to write the next chapter of her typical yaoi, dragged her three characters into her computer room once again and sat down, ready to type.

"Righty-o, people, in _this_ chapter, Matt and Tai have to start falling in deep and passionate love with each other, and Sora's jealous and mad."

"Who's making deep passionate love to Sora's callous dad?" Tai, who hadn't really been listening, asked.

Sora made a face that could only be described as "disgusted out of my mind" and slapped Tai upside the head.

"Thankyou for that mental picture," Matt said pointedly.

Mimi-chan, meanwhile, was twitching in that anime way that meant she was, a) about to explode, or b) extremely annoyed.Unfortunately for our slightly deaf, big-haired harlot, it was both.

"Tai."

"Mimi-chan?"

"Read your lines before I decide to rip your ribcage out and wear it as a hat, _kapiche_?"

"Um..." Tai giggled nervously. "Scene, night, forest, Tai and Matt are walking along, not quite holding hands--"

"Tai," Mimi-chan said, her voice far, far too calm. "I reiterate what I said about your ribcage."

Sora hurriedly pointed out the soccer jock's lines for him, looking visibly worried.

"Um...aren't the stars beautiful, Matt?"

"Yeah, they are," Matt said, smiling softly. He figured that as long as he was stuck doing this, he might as well do it _well_. And besides, he and Tai might be able to share a kiss with actual feeling in it _somewhere_.

Sora grinned, pulling up a chair next to Mimi-chan and watching. "Are they going to kiss in this chapter?"

"No, but they're going to screw like rabbits in the ne--heeyyy, wait a minute!" The author blinked at Sora. "Since when do you like shounen ai?!"

Sora blinked back. "Um...since I'm a typical teenage girl, just like you? Well..._sort_ of like you...except...well...lacking the psychotic part..."

"I'll ignore that and point taken," Mimi-chan nodded and resumed typing.

"They...um..." Tai stopped, squinting at his lines. "They...I don't know because this looks like Japanese!"

Matt scratched his head. "But...we _are_ Japanese."

"Of course, stupid," Mimi-chan said. "This is a _typical Digimon yaoi_. You _must_ say things in random Japanese, never mind how stupid it sounds, or that most of the readers have no idea what it means!"

Tai scratched his head and tried to keep reading. "Um...they're so kirei..."

"Kirei means 'pretty'," Matt supplied.

"They're so kree-ay, just like your eyes," Tai stumbled over the line, which caused Sora to fall into another fit of giggles.

"Make them hurry up!" she giggled. "If they don't finish this scene soon, I think I'm going to wet myself!"

"And I'm gonna puke," Matt said, sweatdropping.

"Just read your lines," Mimi-chan ordered, trying hard not to giggle herself.

"Er, right. Tai? Did you say something about my eyes?"

Tai nodded. "Yeah, a few lines back." Sora fell off her seat with laughter and rushed out of the room.

"Bathroom's down the hall, second left," Mimi-chan called after her, shooting Tai a Death Glare (tm).

"Tai, for the love of everything sacred, _please_ keep your mind on your lines!" Matt pleaded with his friend.

"Okay, okay," Tai said, suppressing a laugh. "Um...anyway. 'No, Matt...you must have misheard...I didn't say a thing about your eyes...'" He actually managed to blush, although he just didn't have the right self-concious air.

"Tai couldn't be self-concious if he was walking down the main street of Odaiba butt nekkid with a rose up his arse," Matt said matter-of-factly, leaning back in Mimi-chan's deskchair. "Why the heck is he required to be self-concious?!"

"'Cause that's what he _does_ in this fic," Mimi-chan said in the tone of voice that one uses with a very stupid two-year-old who just can't understand why you're not supposed to draw on the walls.

"But...that's totally out of character!" The blonde protested.

"So?" Mimi-chan threw her arms into the air. "This is a typical Digimon yaoi! Characterisation can go to Mordor, for all the author's supposed to care!"

"There's also a rule somewhere that says 'no Lord Of The Rings references in typical Digimon yaoi'," Sora said, popping back into the room.

"Since when?" Mimi-chan muttered, more to the computer screen than anything else. "Good to have you back, Sora. Now you have to glare at the two lovebirds from behind and tree and 'silently seethe with jealousy', okies?"

Sora nodded seriously, took a deep breath, and proceeded to silently seethe with jealousy.

"So_ra_!" Mimi-chan cried, exasperated. "You're supposed to be seething with jealousy, not looking like you want the two of them to kiss!!"

Sora looked dismayed. "But I _do_ want to the two of them to kiss..."

"Yes, yes, I know, but you're supposed to be out of character!!"

Sora once again tried to seethe.

"Sure, I'll come to your birthday party, Sora!" Tai said perkily, which caused Matt to start snickering and throw wadded up pieces of paper at the screeching author's head.

"Jeez, Mimi-chan, your first typical yaoi is really starting to suck."

"I can't help it that I'm used to working with you at least a _little_ bit in character!" Mimi-chan wailed, smashing her head against the monitor. Sora patted her shoulder comfortingly.

"Well, when your jealous girl can't seethe and your boys are being themselves--" Sora ducked as a piece of paper flew perilously close to her head. "--there's only one thing to do."

"And what's that?" Mimi-chan sniffled, looking up into the redhead's chianti eyes hopefully.

"Go grab some more soda," Sora nodded, and dragged the miserable author and her two co-stars out of the room, leaving it empty -- for now, at least.


End file.
